Parenting Post: Kind Words

I've been doing a parenting experiment lately.

Well, isn't all of parenting one big experiment, with the number of data points equal to the number of children you have, and all of the input variables constantly changing, and certainly not double-blind, and therefore you never really know whether or not your results are credible?

Anyway. This particular experiment is one where I have been choosing to go out of my way to build up the children's confidence and sense of self-worth. I use words as often as I can to tell them amazing, wonderful things about their person. I praise their positive behaviors, I tell them how beautiful and adorable they are, but most of all I just try to tell them I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!

This experiment is difficult for me for a few reasons:
1. When teaching small humans about life, a lot of times you have to tell them what NOT to do (i.e. using negative language. I know there are tactics for "redirecting" like if kids are running, instead of saying "Don't run" you can say "Please walk", but that doesn't work in some situations.)
2. Although Words Of Affirmation is my love language for receiving love, I actually find it challenging to express love this way. There is some kind of a thick barrier between my brain and my mouth so I just think "I am so proud of Zoe for sticking with that project until the end, that showed such mature perseverance", and then stop there. My natural tendency isn't to push past the barrier and actually say it. So in order to execute my experiment, I have to get out of my comfort zone, register that these thoughts are occurring, and take the time to say them to my children.

So, I've been working on it. By no means am I perfect at it, and some days are better than others. Some days you just have to be negative all day long: "Can I have candy?" "no." "Can I have candy now?" "no." "But I really want candy" "NO."

But:

I can see the way her eyes light up and her sweet mouth curls into a smile when I squat down, look into her eyes and say in an almost-whisper "Z, can I tell you something? I love you so much. You are my favorite little girl on the whole planet. You are wonderful and kind and I love you so much."

I can see her feeling smart when I say "Z! Look at you learning how to spell! I'm so proud of how hard you are working on sounding out words!"

I can see her feeling good when I say "Guys! I love how you are playing together so nicely and taking turns with the markers."

I can see her pride when I say "I can't wait to wear this necklace/bracelet thingy that you made!"

I can see her confidence growing when I say "Thank you so much for getting ready by yourself! You did the buttons, you got your shoes on, you washed your hands and brushed your teeth! Think about all those things you did on your own when I had to do them for you just a little bit ago! You are such a capable young lady."

The older the kiddos get, the more they will be venturing outside of our home. I can't shelter them from the difficulties and challenges of the world.  But I can do my best to equip them with a positive sense of self and a safe, loving, comforting home to return to. And I'll work hard to tell them that.

xoxo Phae