Parenting Post: Kind Words

I've been doing a parenting experiment lately.

Well, isn't all of parenting one big experiment, with the number of data points equal to the number of children you have, and all of the input variables constantly changing, and certainly not double-blind, and therefore you never really know whether or not your results are credible?

Anyway. This particular experiment is one where I have been choosing to go out of my way to build up the children's confidence and sense of self-worth. I use words as often as I can to tell them amazing, wonderful things about their person. I praise their positive behaviors, I tell them how beautiful and adorable they are, but most of all I just try to tell them I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!

This experiment is difficult for me for a few reasons:
1. When teaching small humans about life, a lot of times you have to tell them what NOT to do (i.e. using negative language. I know there are tactics for "redirecting" like if kids are running, instead of saying "Don't run" you can say "Please walk", but that doesn't work in some situations.)
2. Although Words Of Affirmation is my love language for receiving love, I actually find it challenging to express love this way. There is some kind of a thick barrier between my brain and my mouth so I just think "I am so proud of Zoe for sticking with that project until the end, that showed such mature perseverance", and then stop there. My natural tendency isn't to push past the barrier and actually say it. So in order to execute my experiment, I have to get out of my comfort zone, register that these thoughts are occurring, and take the time to say them to my children.

So, I've been working on it. By no means am I perfect at it, and some days are better than others. Some days you just have to be negative all day long: "Can I have candy?" "no." "Can I have candy now?" "no." "But I really want candy" "NO."

But:

I can see the way her eyes light up and her sweet mouth curls into a smile when I squat down, look into her eyes and say in an almost-whisper "Z, can I tell you something? I love you so much. You are my favorite little girl on the whole planet. You are wonderful and kind and I love you so much."

I can see her feeling smart when I say "Z! Look at you learning how to spell! I'm so proud of how hard you are working on sounding out words!"

I can see her feeling good when I say "Guys! I love how you are playing together so nicely and taking turns with the markers."

I can see her pride when I say "I can't wait to wear this necklace/bracelet thingy that you made!"

I can see her confidence growing when I say "Thank you so much for getting ready by yourself! You did the buttons, you got your shoes on, you washed your hands and brushed your teeth! Think about all those things you did on your own when I had to do them for you just a little bit ago! You are such a capable young lady."

The older the kiddos get, the more they will be venturing outside of our home. I can't shelter them from the difficulties and challenges of the world.  But I can do my best to equip them with a positive sense of self and a safe, loving, comforting home to return to. And I'll work hard to tell them that.

xoxo Phae

Mama Challenges: The Toddler in Church

Disclaimer: I have no idea if we're doing this the "right way," if there is a "right way," nor do I always feel successful after a Liturgy with Zoe.

Zoe in church holding her St. Zoe icon

Here's where we are right now with the 2 year 3 month old... A typical Sunday morning:

Mama: "we're going to church. Do we talk loud in church or in a whisper?"

Zoe: "....whisper."

Mama: "that's right! Can you practice a whisper voice?"

Zoe (whisper): "whisper voice"

Mama: "great. Let's talk like that while we're in church"

....in church....

Zoe (super-loud voice throughout Liturgy):

"There's Saint Joseph!"

"What's that man do-nin?" (doing)

"I want to dance in circles"

"The curtains are closed!"

"I want a snack"

"What's that?"

...and various other appropriate/inappropriate comments.

During an evening weekday service this year during Lent, I had just driven 60 miles (half of which was in traffic) across the entire city of Houston, with Zoe in tow, frantically working to get to church on time, hungry, tired, and stressed.  We finally made it into church which was beautifully calming and silent.  I was so happy to be there!  Then Zoe piped up with some loud comment, and one of the old ladies in church turned to us and said, "SHHHHHHHH!"

.... thanks, lady, you just sent the pregnant girl to the bathroom to cry in the stall. (..snifff.."Why do I even try?!")

It is so challenging sometimes to make it through a church service and feel like Zoe got something out of it, I got something out of it, and we are all in one piece at the end.  I want to reaffirm my goals/thoughts on the topic here.

• We are there to raise our child in the church, and teach her about worship.  If we feel like giving up and that it's easier to stay at home (which it is), remember what we are doing it for!  We've committed as a family to make Christ the center of our lives, and this is a huge part of that.
• Remember it's OK that she talks out loud sometimes.  Particularly when she makes loud comments about the service or church itself ("There's Jesus!" while pointing to an icon of Jesus.)  That means she's learning!  We can keep working on the "whisper" thing. 
• Be patient.
• Also remember that it's OK if she's not paying attention the entire service - bring books, stickers, and other quiet activities for her to do.
• Engage her as much as possible in the service and continue to teach her the songs and prayers.  Rephrase the gospel in terms she'll understand.  This not only assures she learns something, but it makes sure I am paying attention, too!
• BE PATIENT!



She's two.

• She's two years old.
• Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14)

Any thoughts or advice from those older, wiser, or also struggling?

Christ is (still) risen!

xoxo Phae